Author: AS
Protected: Plan B
Protected: The Plan
Protected: The Gilded Cage
Protected: Journal For Trauma Therapy #2
Protected: Journal For Therapy #1
Could’ve Been So Beautiful
I am more shaken up about this than I expected to be.
The loneliness. The battles with her. The battles with myself. The guilt. The deep and seeming unending unhappiness and seemingly, the illness.
All based on the “simple” fact that it was trauma all this time.
And now it’s far too late to heal it.
I feel numb. I’ve felt numb this whole time. It truly feels like an ending, and yet it’s not.
It feels like an ending because I’ve already lost so many jobs to this trauma. I’ve already wasted so many years of my life, as well as more than half of my father’s life, not to mention his health. His death too. All of it was absolutely for nothing.
That’s why I am where I am now, why I’ve had all of my here nows, and why I fear I can’t get out of it.
It’s probably also why I’ve had so much fear. Hell, it is why I’ve had so much fear. I’m almost certain of it now. It’s also why I’ve had so much uncertainty.
What a wasted life.
What a wasted life.
It all meant nothing.
That helped a lot, though.
It seems that my therapist was right: communicating openly and honestly does help. 🙂
I will try to keep this in mind going forward.
Unexpected?
So here’s the good news about this: it’s dissipating already.
Here’s the bad: that hurt a lot more than I expected it to.
I was pretty sure I wasn’t going to get it. They asked me for something; I was unable to provide it. Logically speaking, that’s a line in the sand. I tried to blame it on others, but the reality is that if I’m not capable of saving “important” documents, I might be the kind of person who misplaces other important documents. That’s not what they said exactly, but just like this posting, that ultimately doesn’t matter. What’s done (or in this case, not done) is literally done and it’s best that I be done with it.
And I will. Of all of the things I’ve learned these past few years, the biggest one has been “wait.” Whatever negative (or positive) thing you go through will be a memory eventually, and the sooner you move on, the sooner that happens. That’s what I now realize is the real problem with regret, which I once thought wasn’t actually a think. Regret is you staying in that negative space – if you can get out of it quickly, you can get to the “memory” part faster.
So let’s see how I do. Will I keep beating up on myself over this one for a long time, or will I let it go. I think the latter is very possible because it was so cut and dried. If I’m asked for something that I can’t provide, done deal. This is not like other times, where I either did something without realizing I shouldn’t, or self-destructed because of a moment of weakness. This is me being unable to provide something when asked.
I do think it’s ironic that the reason I wasn’t able to was because it was one of my early attempts to move past the negative quickly. Regardless, that’s irrelevant to this moment, and it’s irrelevant to any other situation like this (which is why I did it in the first place – never, in a million years, did I think that would come back to haunt me). I just have to shake this off, move forward, and take solace in the fact that I still have another, potentially two, irons in the fire. That was rough because there was so much to it and the upside was so great, but what’s done is done, I did the best that I could, and it’s best that I forget about it.
So it goes…
BASIC RULES OF COMMUNICATION
- NEVER COMMENT ON A WOMAN’S APPEARANCE UNLESS YOU HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH HER, in which case it should be only compliments, and often.
- NEVER SAY ANYTHING NEGATIVE ABOUT ANYONE’S RACE OR RELIGION UNLESS YOU INTEND TO DO HARM, in which case, expect consequences (i.e. being shut out, criticized, or cancelled)
Thinking Out Loud 