The Eternal Struggle

Demotivated I’m so glad the agency called today.  Because I really wasn’t feeling like doing anything.

When people keep bothering me about why I haven’t cashed in on my “talent,” I often want to scream that it’s not that easy!  To do something right takes a gang of effort, and there are so many steps along the way.  When you’ve spent over half your life popped up on prescription drugs or drained of energy due to illness, you have to do everything one step at a time.  And if you’re trying to do something new and different, you need twice as much energy and effort.  It’s maddening.

As I’ve said many times before, talent, good looks, athletic ability, intelligence – these are all traits.  By themselves, they have no value.  Like anything else, they have to be cultivated, and cultivating them takes time and energy.  On some days I have that energy, or am able to break down the task into steps that are so simple I can gradually make way, and in fairness to myself, I did make a little bit of progress today also.  Once I hit that road block though, all of the energy drained out of me.  It’s Wednesday, and I spent Monday running errands during this heatwave to finish up after my latest defeat, and then yesterday helping my friend write her appeal so she can continue receiving funding for school.  Today was supposed to be the day I really made a giant leap forward toward turning my career toward what it should have been from day one.  I hit the wall though, as my resume doesn’t reflect what I want to do, and I lack the knowledge or energy to get it there.  And then I started moping.  It was downhill from there.

I don’t know how to break myself of this going forward, when it really counts and there isn’t a temp agency to save me, but I really need to.  Right now I have huge opportunities with my writing, my “night job,” as it were, but I have to execute.  If I can’t find the energy to get myself a day job that sustains me through that, I feel like I’m toast, and I’ve never been able to change that.

But I know that I sure as Hell need to work on it.

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