As usual, what makes this so terrifying is the uncertainty, I think.
I don’t know what the body shop is going to say on Monday. I don’t know if they’re going to charge me an arm and a leg just to junk the car, or if they’re going to say it’s possible to repair it, but that too will cost an arm and a leg. With $500 in the bank, total, I don’t have an arm and a leg to spend. So I don’t know what to do.
I don’t know how I am going to be able to take this job, or if it’s as certain as my future boss made it sound. Granted, I got the good news on Friday, so it’s too early to say anything at all, which means I have to sit here in this emotion, and let “The Hours,” as I like to call them, pass.
I don’t know if the temp agencies will have assignments for me that make it worthwhile to rent a car. I don’t know what will happen to my bills or my student loans if I take on a car payment as a result of all this. I don’t know if I will ever get out of this room at this rate. I don’t know if this job will actually lead to a better one and more money in the future. After my frustrating mistake yesterday, I don’t know if I have the patience to win that writing contest or any other, if writing a five page story is giving me this much trouble. I literally have no idea what happens next, and that’s maddening.
I hate to say this, but I always think that it’s better to face death than to live in debt and uncertainty. I know others would call walking away from this a victory, but at this second, I’m just not on that team. I don’t know how I’m going to get through this, but I suppose I just will. Been around this long, after all…