I have no idea. Here, however, are my thoughts:
I feel like there are two types of connections I make with people, emotional and intellectual, and I’m trying to figure out what causes them and makes them work. While I can be friendly with everybody, my friends are the people I really “connect” with. These are people who I actively enjoy spending time with, who I can be 100% myself with; who I have true rapport with. The thing is, I don’t know where / when / how / why that happens, and just know, again, the two types:
INTELLECTUAL: I realize I have some kind of similar sensibility about life with a person, and as a result, I want to keep talking to them, because I feel like I can bounce any idea off of them, and they will go there with me. In general, these are people I have things in common with, or common interests. That creates an intellectual connection, and draws me to them.
EMOTIONAL: This is a stronger bond, one that makes little sense to me, because while I’ve had this bond with people I was intellectually connected with, I also have this bond with people I have no intellectual connection with at all, starting with my parents, whose love for me was unconditional, not based on my ideas or whether they understood me or whether I understood them. They just liked me, and I knew it, and I liked them too, and felt safe and loved with them as a result.
My ex-girlfriend and I felt this for one another too, and we had even less in common. This is how I feel about the girl I mentor as well, and even her English is poor. One of my best friends in life has very little in common with me, but we have this kind of bond. No wait.
Something I’ve just realized is that with the people I am emotionally connected with, there is always one point of genuine connection, but it’s usually something very arbitrary. It might be that we physically live close to one another. It might be that we have some basic, generic common interest or common life experience. That something is usually what brings us together. The thing is, once brought together, a deeper, emotional bond forms, one that rarely, if ever, goes away. This is why my ex and I remain friends, but we got together in the first place because we had two things in common – a love of movies, and we found each other physically attractive. We were otherwise different in every other way, but the emotional bond formed, and quickly, and I have no idea why.
Here’s why this is on my mind.
I joined a bunch of Meetup groups in hopes of making new friends at minimum, finding a Romantic partner ideally. Of the many people I’ve met, I’ve made an emotional connection with just one so far, though I feel as though there may be another coming on. There are others that I have an intellectual connection with, but they haven’t translated into emotional connections, and I don’t know why that is. Worse, while I have met women I am physically attracted to, the lack of an emotional connection gives me little hope of it growing beyond that. My sister pointed out that the old adage about women deciding whether they would sleep with someone quickly is not so simple – it’s more like a woman will decide a man’s “eligibility” as a sex partner early, and that’s usually based on stature, reputation, etc. If he meets her basic criteria, in other words, he has a chance. Failing that, however, he has none. I feel like even if one meets that criteria, you need an emotional connection for intimacy to develop, and if it ain’t there, it ain’t there. I can’t think of a single time in my life where it wasn’t there and grew – in most cases, the connection was there up front, and grew over time.
What causes that, though?