Trapped Under Ice

I feel like an afterthought.

I know I am overreacting, but I have been feeling like this for a while now. I don’t connect to anybody in my Meetup Group OR at work. My existing friends are never available. Tonight just clinched the deal – I am more alone than I have ever been.

My hope is that if I learn to make conversation, I can go anywhere and just find people to talk to. I am DESPERATE for that – I write and vent as much as I do because I have so much thought, so much anxiety, and absolutely no one to share it with. The thoughts and ideas are so oppressive, I really need to get them out. Just today I caught myself staring into space because it was three minutes until time I could use watching a show, so I figured I’d just wait. I got so lost in thought SIX minute passed, just like that, before I came out of it. Just me sitting there and thinking. That was it.

I can’t live this way. It’s not me. I was SO fortunate growing up, that I had friends and a sister that liked to talk, so they were always there, ready, and willing to do so. I have not had that in several years now, and my attempts to connect with new people have yet to yield any positive results.

I feel like I don’t exist. And it’s suffocating.

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