So it occurs to me that really, life, at least as it’s lived here in the U.S., is ultimately about three things:
Your job, your interests, and other people. That’s it.
See, at the end of the day, that’s what makes it bearable, and passes a time. If you have a job, you have a place to go to every day and a means of earning money for food and shelter, which is what we need to live. If you have interests, that makes your downtime bearable – it gives you something to do once again. And if you have friends and family, you’re not alone and you have help.
Obviously, the degree to which you have, and the quality of all of these things varies from individual to individual, and that’s what makes life tough. You might have a job, but if you hate it, or if it doesn’t pay enough, you’re miserable. Your interests might be harmful to you, like if you’re into vices like crime or gambling. And friends and family are taxing, because they touch your emotions – when you’re out of favor with them, or if your relationships are based on a shaky foundation (like need or co-dependency), they could make you miserable.
Or you might not have any of them. Which is kind of where I am now.
First and foremost, I don’t have a job, which is taxing both financially and emotionally. Joblessness puts you in a state of fear – where is my next meal coming from,or can I afford the meal I’m paying for now? It taxes my friends and family because now I really need their help, and don’t really have anything positive to say or give them in exchange. But for me, the most difficult thing about this is that I really don’t have any interests or don’t have access to them, which has been bothering me for quite some time now.
See, when I was a kid, I coped with my not-so-miserable-but-I-didn’t-see-that-then childhood through my love of comic books. Admittedly, that was also helped by my best friend at the time, who was into the same thing, but I never said these three things were mutually exclusive. Going to the comic book store was the highlight of our week, and we spent the rest of it talking about what we got, which would lead us on tangents about our lives. We became sort of symbiotic in that way, and I could thus cope with the death of my mother and my father’s financial ineptitude, while he could cope with being a fat pseudo-nerd (I need to write a blog posting about how limiting the term “nerd” is, because it covers a broad spectrum of types of people. You can be a nerd for a lot of things, but I digress…). When I wasn’t hanging out with him, I would write non-erotic fan fiction about comics and comics characters, which I have to say nowadays because the term implies erotica for some stupid reason. As a result, I could kill hours upon meaningless days and feel content, if not outright happy, while the rest of the time I spent at school, the kid’s equivalent of having a job. Life was bearable. Not so much now.
My interests these days are movies and TV, but both cost money, hence the need for a job. I drive my friends away because all they ever tell me is to be positive, and to quote Naughty By Nature (and date myself), “say something positive? Well positive ain’t where I live!” Blocked from all of the above, I feel very alone, and it’s killing me.
Back to the job search…