Uncertain

Uncertain

The first thing I have to remind myself was that today began badly. I went to bed last night an hour after my bedtime, didn’t realize that I had set the alarm wrong, and so had to wake up late. Didn’t get to shave, and so was not feeling great to begin with.

It hasn’t exactly let up yet though, and I fear it’s because this might have been a bad decision.

Here’s reality: I /hate/ reading legalese. Didn’t think that would be much of a problem, but now it is, because I have to read so much of it in a relatively short amount of time. To talk myself out of that, remember, that’s not true right now – now you’re just reading a textbook (and a LOT of it at once). A big part of why it feels so unbearable is because you’re behind, and you’re behind because you didn’t even get this textbook until Friday night. Then you got a couple of emails with harsh tones, and didn’t do as well in class as you had hoped (but not badly – the teacher seems to like you). So there are reasons for your mood being down. Also, your doctor called you, which you weren’t expecting, so that was a positive. Honestly, things aren’t awful, not by a long shot.

I’m just so /tired/.

Tired of the fact that everything seems like a struggle. Tired of fearing that I won’t get the one thing I want most in life – to go home, and tired of knowing that my attitude is holding me back more than anything else, but that trying to change it is such a drain of energy. Tired of being broke. Tired of worried about being more broke now that you’ve had to cut back your hours. I’m mentally and physically exhausted, and I’ve just entered the bullet train through the rest of my time here. And as I struggle through this, I’m questioning this decision.

Let’s do this.

Get through the day as best you can. Try to make your goal of finishing this chapter and working on the other important one until the clock runs out. If you don’t make it, you don’t make it, but at least you tried. Get caught up later, when you can – it’s not likely that any of this material won’t be reviewed, in class most likely, and once you’re done with each class this week, you can really get started working on next week’s material. You got through the one assignment just fine, and there haven’t been others as yet. You learned a new tip, that for Monday’s class, the main thing is to print out the notes the night before. That’s where your focus needs to be – on what’s covered in the notes.

Remember, it’s only day six. Far too early to decide anything. This was just a tough day. Get through it, and start over tomorrow. The sin, again, is not in failing, it’s in not getting up and trying again.

Just get through it.

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