A big part of this experience has been really getting to know things about myself, figuring out what I like, what I don’t, when I’m good, when I’m not, and most importantly, what helps me be positive and what makes that difficult.
So here’s what I know so far:
– Things have to be spelled out for me. I am not the type who can just pick up things. I really need things explained and the rules spelled out. Once I know the rules, I can take them and run with them, know what they do for me and what they don’t, like a lawyer. But if I don’t know the rules, I’m kind of lost.
– When I am hungry, I get cranky. Don’t get confused, like my father, but I definitely get cranky.
– I remember best when I can match something I need to remember to another activity.
– I am a creature of habit and routine. Variations throw me off a lot.
– I learn by doing and practice, not just explanation. I need explanation to get me started, but I master things via repetition.
– My first impulse when I don’t know something tends to be to ask for help, because I don’t trust my judgment. However, when I am able to slow down and use my critical thinking skills, I tend to be able to solve problems.
– I respond well to mental challenges – this is why the best way to get me to be positive is to give me a challenge, like, “think of two positive things about every negative thought you have or every negative event in your life.” Telling me to be more positive does nothing it. Making it an activity and mental challenge like this does it.
– I don’t like lack of information or disorganization.
And that brings me to this journal entry.
The big problems I have with this job are threefold: 1) I don’t get enough hours, but I need 15-20 per week to meet my financial goals and obligations. (Two positives about that is that I am able to get that much of the time, and that I know this will improve come December, which begins our busy season.) 2) Supervisors are too busy to ask questions to (two positives about this is that they’re too busy to micromanage you, and that they don’t seem to penalize you much for mistakes) and 3) Everything is a disorganized mess, leading to inadequate training (two positives about this are that I learn fast, and that I can organize for myself. Also, I have had time before the busy season began to figure this out)
As a result, my moods have been kind of inconsistent. Not gonna lie – the weather plays a big part of this. Since it is cloudy and / or cold most days, the gloom brings me down in and of itself. But even though nothing is really going /wrong/, per se, and in fact, one might argue that it’s going well, all things considered, I still don’t feel really happy. I felt bad when I was exchanging texts with my friend, because she was hoping I would be happy when next she spoke to me, and I didn’t seem to be. Again, things aren’t bad, and in fact, are pretty good – my sister and I have not had any major fights, in large part because of things I have been doing well, I have been able to help her out somewhat in taking care of house and home, I have mostly been able to take care of myself – honestly, this is really not bad stuff. It just doesn’t seem to do anything for me, and I don’t know how to do that (another thing – I have accomplished all of my vital tasks: I’ve applied for financial aid successfully, I handled my medication issue well, I mastered public transportation). Is it loneliness that’s bringing me down? Or is it just this place and this situation. Something deeper than that?
No, I think it’s just being here and the weather. That’s the only true negative in my life. And for that, I just have to grin, bear it, and get through it. Do what I need to do, and move on…