I really hope I’m not hitting the wall here.
I’ve only been here two months, but already this job is bringing me down, and it’s not because of the work itself. It’s because of the weather. The administrative stuff is a drag too, but that’s because this is a job where they don’t train you fully or tell you anything, because nobody has time to. The bosses are overworked, and so they’re expecting you to teach yourself, which I can do, you just can’t penalize me if I’m not doing things on your schedule. The fix, I think, is to prep more – there are daily tasks to keep track of, which I will. Once I get into the habit of doing that, I think it will all go away. Not too worried about that.
The thing is, the only reason I haven’t been “on it” like I’d like to be is that I spend most of my time worrying about travel and the weather. There are so many things to keep track of! You have to plan your trip the night before. You have to prep for your presentation the night before. Then on the day of, you have to keep track of your metro card. Then when you get to the place, you have to find it. Keep track of who your contact is, and try to get in touch with them, assuming the information you have is correct. And that’s what I learned Monday, that you can’t trust anybody to be on it like you are – you really have to check and re-check, and try and re-try, and you don’t know if you’re making any progress, to where you can end up messing it up through no real fault of your own except that you assumed everybody else knew what they were talking about and gave you the right info. And I can’t stand that.
All of which while you are dealing with the coldest weather ever.
I cannot stand these “arctic winds”. Cold weather is dozens of times worse when it’s blowing on you. And having to do all of the above while struggling with that weather; trying to hold things when your option is either wear gloves to lose your manual dexterity, or don’t and freeze up your hands to where you can’t or don’t want to use them, is Hell. Honestly, this job has been such a grind thus far, again, not because of the work itself, but because of all of these other things. That has been the story of my life – crises I deal with like a champ, but little things drive me batshit. Or as my ex used to say, “you’ve stubbed your toe and now you’re angry at the world.” It’s maddening.
The positive, of course, is that I’ve been getting a decent number of hours, and every day down is a day closer to returning home. I remain confident that the plan will work out, I just have to keep from self-destructing in the process. And to my credit, I have kept a lid on it, catching myself before saying the negative and unhelpful thing; being as good a house guest as I can be; and limiting my negative words to blogs like this one. I have bent but not broken, and as much of a struggle as its been, I have to feel good about that.