Don’t Panic

If there is one thing I am good at, it’s killing time.  (Conversely, if there’s one thing I’m bad at, it’s making time.)

I am glad I will have an hour to get there.  If I can be a little late, that is far better than being a lot late.  Yeah, I know that’s a silly statement, but dude, I only had four hours of sleep – what do you expect?

I am also glad that I am saving money on parking.  That $12 yesterday and the $2 just now really hurt; my buddy’s $20 really helped, however.

Finally, I am glad that the last place I remember seeing it was a safe one.  In theory, and because they are medical professionals, it should still be there somewhere.  I just have to get it.  If I can hit the highway right afterward, I have done as much as I can do. 

That leaves calling Ross Jeffries, figuring out my living situation, and helping my roommate get his unemployment (which he can help me do as well if he could get his fucking mailbox open).

While last night I was freaking out because of all of this, what I told myself was true: I just have to get through it.  Once I buy my return ticket, the die will be cast, and once I am safely back in my sister’s place, this will all let up.  One way or the other, this will end.  I’m proud of myself for remembering my breathing exercises last night, when the panic really kicked in.  I need to do more of that, because it’s one coping strategy that’s “in the moment”.  Those are the times when things really get bad.

Speaking of which, I don’t think I reached my buddy when I tried to explain critical thinking and how cause and effect is limited to the moment and its immediate outcome.  There is no “chain reaction”, as such, because there are many intermediate steps between the original wrong action (in my case, bothering my donor), and what’s happening to might present day.  So many things in the interim could have been differently, which would put me in a completely different situation.  Indeed, had I been properly prepped for that first financial aid job through “Office Team”, everything might have been different.  Had my roommate not lost his mail key, my current situation might also be different with respect to my ongoing issues with gas money.  There are tons of things that can change everything.  As I’ve observed, it’s downright frightening, from my perspective, how that one mistake ruined my life.  It was a lot more fragile than I ever expected.  And by that same token, it’s equally frightening how getting any of these jobs I interviewed for would have 180’d my life.  (Wow does that sound like my buddy in this coffee shop.  Freaky!)  If I get the one I am still up for, same outcome.  Never take anything for granted.

It’s cool how these ambulance guys are talking about “Breaking Bad” and “Dr. Who”.  So funny how you can tell that one is more of a geek than the other.  I am sure he’s perfectly nice, too, and a potential friend of mine.  For all I know, he has as much education or knowledge as I have (actually, maybe not – he might have just done ambulance tech and been on a linear path), and yet, here he is.  Life is hard.

And yeah, that realization that life is a lot more bad than good for some of us is wearing on me.  I’m reminded of Dr. Dromi’s mantra, that happiness is not a worthwhile goal, rather we as people should strive to have more good days than bad.  That’s so true.  Life is so negative overall – I mean, let’s be real, when I had my job, stability, and health insurance, I wasn’t happy with them.  I was pining for more.  I was happier than I am now, meaning more good days than bad, but things were very far from perfect.  I wasn’t making enough money.  I had friends, but still felt lonely, with nobody to hang out with on Friday nights.  That’s part of why I didn’t sweat getting fired.  Sadly, I learned everything, both about the value of what I had and how I could become a better person afterward, perhaps because of, getting fired.  Hindsight being 20/20 is a cruel joke.  I don’t want to star any blasphemous rumors, but…

Nine minutes to go.  A good compromise.  Start heading back now; Inshallah they will be fully open when you get there, get your meds, and jet.  Inshallah, you won’t be too late.  All you can do is hope.



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