Was Going To Discuss How I Feel, But…

…instead, it seems I have to bitch about this dumb shit.

I think it’s retarded to create Blogging sites that are just for show, meaning if you don’t have readers, they get shut down.  I liked the idea of having a place where I could just spill my guts, in spite of the trouble it’s gotten me into in the past.  These days you can secure these kinds of sites, fixing that problem, but of course, nobody makes money off of that, because if nobody’s reading your site, the host can’t put ads on it and make money.  The whole thing is so fucking stupid.  There are more reasons to live life than to make money, at least in other countries.  Only in the U.S. do we choose to make everybody’s private thoughts and confessionals into a a way to generate revenue.  Guess my paper journal will have to remain.

So all that said, this space (which I made just to see if I could salvage what was in my Xanga blog) is going to have to be for shit that I don’t mind losing.  My paper journal will continue to preserve the person I am through time, for however much I have left (which apparently is going to be a lot, thanks to my donor).  For me, that means negativity, because I was always self-conscious about the fact that my journal seemed to just be a place where I bitch, thus reinforcing the negative, so I cut back on it there.  Now that I have this temporary BS however, I might as well let it rip here.

So here’s what’s been bothering me all day: I am running out of money.  I was really counting (stupidly, I now realize) on unemployment to save my ass, but I have not heard hide nor hair out of them (dunno what that expression means or if I am even using it correctly here).  I was also counting on my sister to fly me out of here, and I am fairly confident she may do that.  Will she pay for my storage space?  I don’t know.  So this means I need to apply for some shit job, and right now, I don’t have the energy.  The depression is bringing me down.  Then again, my plan is not to drive anywhere tomorrow to preserve gas, so that gives me an activity.  Wish there was a Starbuck’s in walking distance tho, becuz I hate working here.  Anyway…

So basically that’s it.  Either I temp, or I get a minimum wage job, or I get the good job on Friday, and with my track record, I dunno about that.  I mean, I felt better about it for the past couple of days, but I just fear I am only jinxing it.  Trying not to get my hopes up either way, but I feel like I’m prepared, so there’s really nothing to “worry” about as such in terms of that.  I just have to get through it.  It brings me a week closer to my hoped for date of departure, again, depending on if my sister can really make that happen.  If she can’t, I’m fucked, period and point blank.  I am out of money for cell phone minutes too really, so even asking her is difficult.  Wonder if my quarters would feed the pay phone, tho…?

Anyway, yeah, I am freaking out.  A part of me wants to call my friend, but after what she said about dudes getting infatuated with her, I don’t want to give her the wrong idea.  Let her come to me if she cares, but more importantly, hope she comes to me because she got the unemployment letter (should never have assumed things would work out and I was okay to use her address.  Then again, should never have assumed I would get unemployment, any other job, and that she would always have money.  The fact that my friend is willing to take me in was just a stroke of luck).  That would totally save my ass.  Until then, as I said before, I’m fucked. 

It goes…

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